I still wake up and look at my phone for that text that puts a smile on my face and starts the day of with a good feeling. It’s so much fun for me, dosing of in my own house late at night and waking up with the message from you, “Ok Im really missing you” or “I kiss you back”. You know It’s true. You really can send a kiss through the phone. I know this because I would read the message, Smile and then plunge deep into a sleep and dream of kissing you even while you slept miles away.
I remember bun huggers. I’ve never liked going in there before. But now I think about Throwing those crappy plastic darts and watching them hit the target and then bounce back at us while the smart ass machine kept reminding us every two minutes that, “ practice is over, please select a game” And it’s funny how the closer we got to hitting our mark the better the darts would bounce back. It almost reminds me of our story a little bit. So I threw the darts harder.
When most of the yellow tips broke off the darts. I lost interest in trying to fix the darts and in in the game when I realized how pretty you were and that I was reason enough for you to be there. I put my arms around you and kissed you behind the bar and I still remember the taste of your mouth and your smile. There was a totally random stranger that walked by and admired us. She said we looked so good together as she walked by.
I remember walking bare foot over the ice in your back yard, watching my step for sharp sticks or dog poop to get you your fire wood. On the way back in I saw my reflection in the sliding glass door looking back at me. I had my grumpy pre-coffee morning expression on my face and I didn’t like the way I was looking at me. My shirt was still off and the cold made my arms full of wood shake. My hair looked like a failed attempt at a birds nest. And I had dirt, wood chips and ash stuck to me. Then i looked a little deeper through the glass and could see you in you robe standing still and watching me with a grin on you face. You apologized and laughed at your self for staring at me, But I know you stared because you liked what you saw and that became a favorite moment of mine.
So the list of memories goes on. I cant stop thinking of you. I don’t want to stop thinking of you. You’ve infected me and charmed me and blessed me all at once and now you’ve gone somewhere else and I am back to were I was before you found me. I habitually anticipate the next text message and my mind spins like a radar subliminally scanning for you, so that I don’t miss the next time you come through my area. So the problem is obvious. I’m stuck on you and its time to let you go.
God dammit. Memories of you are so sweet but they bind me. Me hands and feet and my heart and Mind are bound and can not move. Why is it that i cannot trade the memory for the present reality When it is clear that the reality is what i need. Why is that my mind dwells and wonders in the time that i had you instead of now, where i need it to be. Because i no longer have you to hold in my arms, do i feel like i'll lose you all the way if i stop thinking of you, sense all you are is memory now.
and you want to be friends. you wanna see me and hang out and smile at my and laugh and pretend i dont know how your body fits against mine so perfectly. And i'm supposed to look at your smile and pretend i don't know how good it tastes. O K . I can do that. At least on the surface. And i wonder if this is even what you want.
Maybe in a different life we can start over.
What did you do to me ?
